I think there are about ten people that read this blog… and that is fine with me. Truthfully, I don’t want the pressure of impressing people with my life or words. I’m not witty or exciting and for whatever reason, a few years ago I thought I should write a blog. Go figure.
Nonetheless, I still feel crappy when I don’t write for a while or I miss my Life Coaching post. I’m not sure that anyone really takes my tips to heart but I love writing the posts each week. Except this week.
This week I needed the coaching. I did not feel like I had any guidance to offer. Most days for the last week or so I have just needed a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to me scream or a bottle of wine. Or all three.
As always, I can take an objective look at my life and realize it’s splendor. I am endlessly fortunate. When I leave my house in the morning, I always think about how lucky I am and how great my life is. Then I go to work and decide I should just jump off the building.
I was explaining these two contrasting feelings to a coworker yesterday and he said “The fact that you can separate the two and not let work ruin the rest of your life is great.”
True. And noted.
Let’s do a quick run-through of the last week.
Friday, I got so mad at work that I cried. [Brief detour: what the fuck is the glitch in my system that makes me cry when I get angry? It is NOT good for the workplace.]
I was angry because of things I couldn’t control-because of a broken system that I cannot fix. I was angry because I haven’t worked anywhere near a 40 hour work week in six months. I was angry because my triathlon training, blog writing, cookie making and design business are suffering because I have no work-life balance.
So I went shopping on Friday evening, bought shoes and drank wine. My mood improved greatly.
Saturday and Sunday were spent at home getting organized. There’s nothing like exercising extreme control in one area of your life to make up for no control in another. I cleaned, organized and Ikea’d my little heart out. It kind of sucked but I felt great after.
Going into work on Monday, my mantra was ‘don’t stress over what you can’t control.’ That lasted no more than 30 seconds. I was a little angry ball of stress when I got home.
Tuesday I went into work an hour early ready to win the day…FAIL.
My workout that evening was intense-tempo run on the treadmill followed by weights. Lots of weights. There was a crazy fire within me to just WORK HARD.
Getting home at 7:15pm, I was ready to sleep immediately. I fought heavy eyelids long enough to make dinner and take a shower. Then I crashed.
Wednesday was just another crappy day-too much work and stress.
Instead of swimming after work as I went home to run. I knew I needed to get it out of my system. I needed a run. Outside. In the pouring rain. I knew that despite my achy muscles, despite the pouring rain and cold, I just needed to get my head back in the right space. Only a run would do.
I set out without a plan or a watch and ran for over an hour. I ran fast and hard. My legs were dying but I just needed to get it out-all of the work stress, frustration and anger over things I couldn’t control. I pushed and pushed until I found myself back on my doorstep completely spent. I had been splashed by busses driving by, my jacket was soaked all the way through, my body was shivering but I felt like me again. I felt like I knew where my priorities should be.
Then today happened. Today I felt relief. Today the new girl we hired did a great job and really made a difference in my day. I felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like I might find some work-life balance soon. I only worked 8.5 hours and I celebrated that in my head for the entire bus ride home. I could get used to that.
I didn’t write a Life Coaching post yesterday because it would have been hypocritical. It would have been a lie because I have been a shell of myself lately…just working more than living.
I love my job but I love my life more. Somehow, I just needed to find a way to get a grip.
This is my recommitment to my blog and myself to live my life…to draw a line in the sand between work and life.
Informally, that’s my tip of the week: Recommit to yourself. What are your goals? What do you want for your life?
In yoga, you dedicate each practice. Perhaps your practice is just dedicated to your breathing or maybe it’s more. But tonight, dedicate your practice (whatever exercise it may be) to your life. Instead of sitting down and watching TV, do something for yourself that moves you toward your goals, even if it is simply recommitting to yourself.
Tomorrow is Friday! I can’t put into words how great that feels.